Meltdowns and conflict resolution

Going through PET has made me a more patient mom, i think. When Mountain Boy "misbehaves", I would now try to think about the cause of his actions rather than immediately labeling him as "naughty" or "unruly".

So a couple of tips to help parents deal with tot meltdowns, ie when a conflict happens between u and the child.

1. Remember that your child is still somewhat alien to the concept of self-control. We don't scold our kids for learning how to walk or talk, we encourage them by being supportive and facilitating their growth. Similarly, these tots are still on "emotional trainer-wheels". They rely on us to calm them down and they need us to teach them how to control their emotions which frankly is a lot harder than walking or talking. I sometimes think that i'm still learning how to curb my own emotional outbursts, let alone a child. So help your child calm down by being there, or by holding them. Active Listen if you can.
2. Think about their basic needs. This often is the hardest and requires patience. Case in point: Mountain Boy was extremely restless at a shopping mall and he kept wanting to wander off on is own. I tried to make him stay put and i couldn't go beyond the shop boundaries because the alarm would go off due to my unpaid purchases. He then decides to lie on the floor and cry until his face was purple (sorta like Mountain Man when he is drunk). The old me would have been embarrassed by his "bad" behaviour and i would have just scolded him. But the new me knew that it was unreasonable of me to want him to stay put after a carbo-filled meal. Kids need to release the energy after lunch so i felt bad for depriving Mountain Boy of the chance to run about. In a nutshell, when your child is behaving in an unacceptable way, try to define their basic needs and try to channel that need to an acceptable behaviour.
3. Problem solving is the easy part. Come up with solutions together, choose one that both parties can accept. Make sure both you and child get your needs met.

This weeks session also talked about how parents normally default to 2 methods of problem solving.

Method 1: Authoritarian. "I am the parent, what i say is right and you must follow". This is a very fast and effective method to get your child to comply. But it may lead them to doing things out of fear and as a result they may never feel the freedom to dare to be. Resentment is a possible consequence, it is definite that one day we will lose authority over our child and we don't want them to hate us because we've been such control freaks.

Method 2: Submissive. "Okay you win you can do whtever you want." Method 2 often results in children who are highly creative but i don't think parents should always put their needs behind their children. We are emotional beings and we also want things our way.

Some parents toggle between method 1 and 2 depending on which one stops working.

So think about what you've been doing and evaluate how effective it has been. No harm in trying out Steps 1,2 and 3 to see if they work!